Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Not the Best Day

Mike texted me these pictures early this morning.  He is already on the road back home.  He drove up there for 4 hours, slept for 4 hours and then drove home for 4 hours.  Crazy, but it was nice for him to get the beanbags and 4-wheeler up.  I'm excited to go there in a few days.  I haven't been up since October.  I can't wait to see the basement bunk beds!
I got so frustrated with Stockton today.  I am beyond stressed trying to get everything done for Christmas.  I had to cut out many things I wanted to do.  I'll miss the lights at Temple Square again, I wanted to do the North Pole at 7 Peaks and I wanted to get gingerbread houses for several families.  I had to drop all of that, mostly because of things I'm trying to do for Stockton.  I picked Maysen and Stockton up from school.  They stayed after for a National Honor Society meeting.  I dropped Maysen off at Matt & Sam's because I didn't have time to go back home.  My dad is going to bring her home later.  I then drove Stockton to diving.  I asked him how his day was and he rolled his eyes at me.  I was so irritated and hurt.  I know that is an annoying question, but I really want to know what is going on in his life.  We rode the entire way to BYU in silence.  I then sat in the car for another hour. The pool was closed so his diving was held in the gym.  I had no idea where that was.  I had to stay in the car until 4:00 because it will get ticketed if I leave before then.  I hate not knowing where to go, but I finally decided to see if I could find him.  I wandered around the Richard's building for awhile.  There are tons of students there taking their finals. Finally a lady helped me locate them. They were in the Smith Fieldhouse.  I was able to watch Stockton on the trampoline for a bit.  I like watching him dive more though.

I stopped at Kohls on the way home.  I ordered Stockton a nice winter coat.  I just ordered the wrong size.  I'm completely annoyed at this because I was sure he needed a bigger size, but I was talked out of it and second guessed myself.  I brought the coat and we went to see if we could exchange it.  Kohls is out of that coat everywhere.  Great. Stockton and I wandered over to the other coats that were there.  I was thinking, maybe I could find something else and they will exchange this one even though it isn't exactly the same one.  I don't care about this particular coat, I just want something warm that will fit.  I picked up a coat and asked Stockton if he wanted to try it on.  He said no.  I was so frustrated.  I had spent a lot of time looking for a coat and I'm sorry it was the wrong size.  Stockton is standing right next to a giant rack filled with coats.  It will literally take him 15 seconds to try it on, and he won't do it.  I put the coat back and asked him what he was planning on doing up in Idaho.  He said, "You asked me if I wanted to try it on."  I don't care about semantics right now.  I just want to buy you a freaking coat! I said, "Fine.  You will be cold and you can buy yourself a new coat." We drove home in total silence again.  I was fuming when I got home.  My feelings were so hurt.  I was upset and told Mike I was sick of this.  I'm tired of the kids not appreciating me.  I feel like they only tolerate me and I hate it.  Later Mike told me that Stockton was really upset.  He thought I told Mike that I hated him.  How could he ever think that? My entire life is revolved around him.    I just want to feel like I'm more than a dog begging for crumbs and attention.  Mike was frustrated that I was upset and told me he would like for there to be no yelling in our home, or something like that.  I was infuriated with that comment.  I had been so hurt and because I closed the door and yelled, "I hate this!" in my own room I am getting a lecture?  I know there should be no yelling, this is probably the first time I have yelled in our house in Utah. We have lived here for 5 years!  I just want a moment to be upset when life is overwhelming me.  In conclusion, today was not the best day.

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